As Long As My Heart Beats, There Is Hope.

Gah

2010-03-17T18:26:50Z

Apparently I have a groin tear and an old sprain. I just need to support the ankle when doing physical activities, and go to PT for the groin. I hope both of them work. As for my knees, there's nothing seemingly wrong with them, at least not as far as weakness or arthritis goes, so the doctor advised me to ride my bike often to build up the muscles in my knee, as the bike riding movements are usually the exact movements that hurt my knee. I hope that works as well.

The only thing I'm really concerned with, however, is a lump they found on my testes. They did a physical exam, and they suspect it's benign, or harmless, but it still has me flipping out and not sleeping. What if it's cancer...? The only way to know for sure is to see a urologist, which I both highly anticipate and dread, all at once.

And all the while, I simply cannot get her out of my head. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I am.

xdirkx @ 2010-02-21T09:57:00

2010-02-21T14:57:47Z

Friday and Saturday were good. I practiced a lot, but the whole sight reading thing is getting a lot easier. I can almost sight read all of my material to be learned for this week, and here I thought I was going to have a hard time with it. I also slept over at Mike's dorm, and that was a great time, although Josh needs to man up and move back in again haha.

Last night went and saw family, which was good. Sleeping was bad. It hasn't been in a while, but today I woke from slumber just feeling down. I haven't been down in a while, and I don't like it. That dream needs to just stop coming period.

Yawnski

2010-02-17T14:30:13Z

I'm mad tired.

Last night did not end well, but it went out with a bit of excitement so I can't complain, and the majority of the night was awesome. Pizza and people were at Clay's for his birthday, it was a good time.

Now, I have to go to school, and cram. Woot!

New Year

2010-01-01T03:08:38Z

I was excited for tonight, until I realized our annual party had been switched to Sammy's house. I'm not going, Sammy and I don't exactly get along well. Don't get me wrong, I like her, but I don't get along with her, and I know that sounds contradictory but it really isn't.

A year ago, today, I spent the night with Jess, and then with Brian and the guys. I'm just so depressed today. I haven't thought about her in months, but today...it just hurts. Knowing she's spending tonight with another guy, a guy whom a year ago she didn't even know. I had so much fun with her, and I truly loved her. I still do, maybe that's why it hurts. I seldom think about her anymore, I don't know why I am now, or why I'm so damn depressed about it now.

The Search

2009-11-10T09:39:56Z

I don't know who you are, but I need you.
Perhaps you're someone I all ready know, perhaps you're someone I've yet to meet.
Regardless...

I need you badly.

Writer's Block: Last supper

2009-11-03T18:26:12Z

If you had one night left to live, what would you do? Would you prefer to spend your final night with a loved one or alone? What would you choose for your last meal?

View 1155 Answers

One night left to live. Sort of a morbid topic, yet with all the 2012 idiocy abroad, I suppose this was not unexpected. I imagine I would most likely distribute my time seeing all of my family, then seeing my friends. There is one person I would ideally like to spend a final night with, but she's in the past and can't be reclaimed.

I feel like quitting my band. I'm just not feeling it anymore.

I have zero drive to workout, to do well in school, no drive for anything.

Damn

2009-09-28T14:43:15Z

Last night was awesome. I hung out with RJ, Grundtisch, Fanning, Andrea, and Clay. We climbed a whole bunch of new buildings, and found some more we're hopefully doing tonight.

This is good for me. I got invited to stay ub at Fredonia anytime I wanna come down, and I'm probably gonna take the offer. I don't need a shitty friend who ditches me, and steals all my shit, and then LIES to my other friends about it, not to mention lying to me. I'm quite capable of hanging out with other people, and am by no means dependant.

Although it is annoying when I call him to try and get my shit back, and he ignores the call. Fucking coward. I never said anything all these years, because I didn't know if he really meant to be stealing my stuff. I didn't know if it was a side-effect of ADHD, like...impulsive actions and what not. There's no excuse anymore, though. He's denying it completely, unless he's actually managed to brainwash himself into believing that stuff is his, which I wouldn't put past him. I really think he's the reason I've been so pissed lately. ALl my other friends have done nothing to warrant any anger or any ill-will from me. They've all been great.

It's always been TJ. The kid makes me feel like shit. Telling me to meet him somewhere, and npt showing up. Ditching me completely, saying he fell asleep or some other bullshit excuse, and then I find out from other people he was chillin' with someone else, or with Allyssa. Stealing shit from me, and from Dan, and from God knows how many other people.

I don't know what I've done to deserve that from him, and maybe that's why I've been so irrationally angry lately. I've always done everything I could to help him, in school as well as with girl problems, etc.

The one night him and Katelyn broke up, I was with Jess, and he called me every 20 minutes because he needed someone to hang out with. And I went. But when I needed someone, he wasn't there.

Maybe I'm so angry because I try to give so much to someone who gives so little in return.

None of the others understand, because they don't know him HALF as well as I do. I've always looked at the kid as my best friend. But I don't think a best friend would treat me this way.

To all my other friends, I'm sorry if I've been acting weird lately. This is one of a myriad number of things that has been bothering me, and I would have your understanding, if not your forgiveness.

It's the end of summer

2009-08-17T04:29:45Z

And life is good. The results of my training are starting to show, and I find myself feeling more confident than ever. I'm stronger, smarter, and faster than I've ever been. My body looks great, not that having a good body is what I'm going for, but it is a perk. I can't wait to excel again in school this year.

However, it's really quite weird looking at pictures of a girl I used to be so close to. A girl I talked to on the phone every night, and saw multiple times a week. A girl I used to know, a girl who used to love me. I'm happy for her, but it's still very weird. I know that, deep down, I'm still in love with her, no matter how much I don't think about her, or how faded my memories of her are. It feels so weird that we used to be so close...she's like a stranger now. The only memories of us now are preserved in pictures, and those aren't nearly enough.

I've been pulling out of my angry/apathetic phase, and I find myself calm and level headed. I can still feel the pain though. It's here, somewhere deep inside of me, strangely enough close to coming out right now.

I gave up so much. I gave up a friendship with Dan, and my friendship with her. I know I probably sound like I'm not over it, but I know I am. However, I still miss her.

And everything fades to gray.

2009-08-09T20:29:15Z

She's dating someone now. I really do not know how I feel about it. As I saw her in the picture with that kid from her school....I felt so indescribable. Perhaps I'm still in shock, and it still hasn't hit me. Or maybe I just don't care anymore. The tears came at night though, so it would seem not to be the case, no matter how often I feel nothing. Should I feel sad about this? I do, after all, still love the girl, more than anyone.

All I feel now lately is hatred. When I'm not feeling hatred, I feel nothing at all. For anyone, or anything. It's terrible, and it's not me, and I hate feeling both hatred and apathy. But I can't help it. My happiness, for the most part anyways, left when she did.

Nobody can ever understand my feelings for her. For me, at least, it wasn't just the average relationship. It was a friendship that transformed, not like typical relationships where you meet the person's aquaintance, and then you get to know them from there. I was friends with her for 5 years before this happened. I knowingly, and willingly, sacrificed my friendship with Dan to be with her. And I risked our friendship as well.

Nobody gets how cold and alone it is here, without her, how I feel when I see her with that....guy...

I'm so much stronger now. But this is one thing that will always hurt. I have no choice but to move on.

And even as I write this, the words upon the screen seem completely inadequate to describe how I feel. However, I have no other outlet, no one that I trust much anymore, so this will have to suffice. I'm strong enough to keep everything locked in now.

I need to keep training.

Finally

2009-06-29T08:15:06Z

One good night.

Ross's parents were out of time, so he had a party at his house, which was fun.

Of course, it's beyond 4 in the morning and I'm feeling like shit again.

I had to go look through my FaceBook pictures, which I didn't know still included the ones Jess had of me....
It's amazing how even something simple and stupid like her changing the names of the albums from "Adventures With My Love" to "Adventures with Derrick" have an effect on me.

I love her....why doesn't she love me?

I don't understand this world. I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why I still love her, and I don't understand why she stopped.

Fuck I hate crying. I hate it so much. I've been trying not to let any tears fall. But sometimes I fail. And I've been failing a lot recently.

Fuck.

Why does it still hurt like this? Everyone said time would make it better....

Saturday

2009-06-27T18:10:59Z

Work today. Had work yesterday too. Then went out and played frisbee, then went home.

Upon giving myself a haphazard analysis, I've come to the conclusion that my condition is getting steadily worse.
It's weird, how at first I was doing well and now I am slipping into this depression. I miss her so much.

This morning was terrible. I woke up from a dream that was really more a memory I suppose, of when we were together, and happy. I woke up and thought it was real, for about five seconds. Then reality struck me.

The pain seems like its growing. She seems like she really is happy....And here I am, completely miserable. The only thing I can say positively is that I'm still working hard at improving every aspect of my life. I'm trying to advance in my job, get better schooling, play music, etc.

But I'm slowly losing all my drive now. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore, I never even play my drums anymore, save when I have to at band practice. I don't play piano anymore. All the things I used to love doing, I don't now. It's at the point where I don't even really feel like seeing my friends anymore. Because although I can distract myself, push the pain out for a little bit, I can't get rid of it. She was a part of me.

Is it weird that I still love her? It seems to me like it's been years since we were together, rather than less than two months.

I'm going to have to try even harder to continue to succeed. That much I can do. But as far as feeling accomplished? Feeling proud of what I've done, the things I've accomplished? It won't happen. I'm chasing these empty goals now.

I suppose that's the difference between this break up and others. I'm not letting it debilitate me. But does that matter at all?
I still feel like shit whenever I'm alone, and I feel like shit some of the time even when I'm with my friends. Memories keep coming to the front of my mind unbidden, and it's excruciating.

When we first started dating, the only feeling I knew that wasn't happiness was regret. Regret that I hadn't known her the first 14 or so years of her life. So many stories I'd missed, so many memories I wanted to know about. I wanted to know everything and anything she'd ever done, experienced, and been.

And now it's summer again. The sun shines so cruelly, it's weird.... It's like I feel like it shouldn't be shining when I'm in such pain, and the sun only makes it worse, because I remember last summer. The perfect summer. With the perfect girl.

Life

2009-06-26T17:01:05Z

Why does it still hurt?

It's one thing that I'm not letting it debilitate me. I'm still hanging with friends, doing well at work, getting stuff done for UB, working out, etc. etc.

But why is it still there? I still feel like there's a hole in my chest, and it doesn't feel like it's gotten any smaller. I still feel like my chest is on fire sometimes, especially when I first wake up and everything that's happened in the past few months re-registers in my mind and I realize that I'm alone again.

I still dream about her often, almost nightly, and it akes waking up a miserable process, though perhaps not as miserable as sleeping.

I'm not letting the pain make me a wretch, but it's still here, every day. It hasn't gotten any better, and I honestly think time isn't gonna be able to heal this one....

I hate being so sad all the time. I hate missing her. I hate going into the village and being afraid that I'm going to see her.... I hate not being able to go to the mall because I know she works there....

I hate life. I should be happy with it, but I'm really not. Nothing seems to matter at all after losing her.

I hate this

2009-06-10T13:07:55Z

The way I only wake up when my dreams become too painful, and I awake with a physical manifestation of that pain, the feeling that my chest is on fire. I hate this. I hate feeling like this.

Time to go work out I guess. I need to get even stronger.

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Near Death Experience....

2009-06-06T22:04:31Z

Ordinarily would be some sort of exaggeration, but not in this case.

We went to Hobuck Flatts, an epic creek filled with water falls, huge tunnels and high cliffs.We decided to try and climb one of these that really had no viable way up. At a certain point, I was stuck, with nothing to hold onto, except dig my fingers and toes into the dirt, which then began to slip....

I've always wondered what it would feel like to have your life flash before your eyes, and I didn't really understand the sensation until today.
It was horrible...but after I got myself out of the situation, which basically involved my clawing and biting my way to the top, I felt so...giddy.
Life is worth so much, there's so many things I haven't done yet, so much good I have yet to do.

It' was oddly....liberating.

I don't feel afraid of anything right now. There's no point in being afraid anymore.

I can't really explain it to those of you who haven't experienced what I'm talking about. I seriously almost died.

But now, there's nothing that can fucking stop me. I'm extremely intelligent, good looking, and one of the kindest people around.

I'm forever changed by this experience.

I think I'm done writing in this journal, at least for a while. Someone who's busy trying to update an online journal isn't out, making memories to write about/remember.

OMFG Part 2

2009-06-05T16:37:32Z

Haha well I thought it ended with a beach fire. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I called Chelsie at like one in the morning and she came over, and we rode bikes to Timmy Ho's to meet up with Keith. We saw her one friend Lindsay and we sat and talked a bit, then me Keith and Chelsie rode bikes to this ginormous bridge that was like 100 feet over the creek. It was scary in the dark, and when we came back across we kept seeing this random flashlight thing in the distance....creepy, so we booked back to my house, had a bonfire, then went to Chesnut Ridge to watch the sunrise.

Life is so good, the colors in the sky, were indescribably beautiful.

And it's mother fucking PAY DAY today.

I'm going to get new clothes after my staff meeting.

Peace.

OMFG

2009-06-05T04:45:26Z

We had a beach party tonight so fun.

I am so thankful for my friends.

More than anyone else around, we know how to live. How to really, truly live.

I love my life so much.

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Mo Fuckin' PAYDAY!

2009-06-05T00:36:35Z

Is tomorrow, although first I have to attend a staff meeting at brierwood, which usually only happens when someone screws up bad, so it should be interesting. I really hope it involves watching hilarious sexual harassment videos from the 70's, not that secual harassment is amusing in any way, but the way they portray it.... Absolutely hilarious, especially when they showed girls harassing guys hahaha.

I'm going shopping tomorrow for some new clothes, which should be BALLIN'!

Ima hit up the mall, maybe meet some cute girls.

I think we're supposed to be going to Zoar Valley sometime next week, which is gonna be fucking AWESOME.

And I start my first band practice Saturday.

So.

Pumped.

I think I'm gonna get a second job too, Brierwood has slowed up this year, and although the pay is excellent, I really need more hours.

Upcoming road test, which I'm going to pass, I can feel it. Ju-Jitsu with Alex has been going well, in my opinion I'm learning very quickly, and when we spar i immediately try and implement the moves i've learned, although I have a long ways to go before I stand a chance of beating him on the ground. It's something to work for.

Another Beautiful Day

2009-06-02T19:01:47Z

I'm going out for a bike ride with my friends, it should be pretty nice.

We're having a draft tonight, which I'm looking forward to.

I've been spending a lot of time in Creeks and various forests found around where I live. It's quite refreshing, and it really puts things in perspective. When you stand next to a tree hundreds of years old....I sort of feel like I understand my place in the world.

The weather has been so beautiful lately.

Word

2009-06-01T02:44:07Z

Didn't do much today, except working out, and catching up on sleep.

At Kent's now, having a good time.

That's it.

Peace.

Yo brah, sup brah!

2009-05-31T03:42:06Z

Work today was awesome, seeing as i worked with Kia and Webster, and we get a lot done when we work together, even my manager commented on it. I also got tipped 10$, so Webster and I are neck and neck in our tip competition.

Yesterday, played some speedball, Ult Fris, and did some awesome Ju-Jitsu practice with Alex. I actually learned a lot, and combined with my new, ever increasing strength and speed, I really feel no worry about self-defense. If anyone messes with me, they'll wish they hadn't hahaha.

Unless of course they're an MMA ace, in which case I'm screwed hahaha.

Been doing a lot of creek walking lately, we even tried fishing the other day, but that didn't work out so well. Stupid fish was taunting us! It would swim toward our line, and then swim away at the last second, damn thing! I gave up and tried to catch it with my bare hands, but that didn't work so well either lol.

Training is going as well as ever, I feel stronger with each passing day, and when I feel my arms and legs it feels weird because they're so muscular, and I love it. I feel so good these days, I feel like nothing can ever bring me down.

Danced with a couple of bridesmaids today haha. I'm not sure if they were drunk or not, but it was fairly entertaining.

I officially love life, minus the band, because I still haven't heard anything from them, and IDK if they kicked out their drummer yet.

Oh well to be honest I could care less, life is fucking awesome, and no one is gonna tell me otherwise.

That's Life!

2009-05-29T02:27:35Z

That's life. That's what all the people say. You're ridin' high in April, you're shot down in May.
I know I'm gonna change that tune, when I'm back on top, in June.

I love Michael Buble hahaha.

Work today was good, more compliments received, which is always good, although Webster got a 70$ tip, which made me jealous.

Training has been going good, I've lost about 35 pounds in the past month/month and a half. I feel a lot stronger, I'm able to do things at work with more ease, and other situations are easier as well.

Tomorrow is gonna be an awesome day.

Speedball in Glenn Meadows, Ultimate Frisbee, and fight night all in one day.

I'm going to be training with some Kempo Blackbelts and Alex is going, and he is proficient Ju-Jitsu martial artist, so it's gonna be awesome.

I actually wrestled Leo the other day, who was the wrestling team captain and he is a Kempo Blackbelt, and he beat me twice but I actually faired pretty well against him. It also was fun, and it taught me a lot.

Life is so, so good right now. I'm stronger than ever before. I ended up getting a 3.63 in school, not bad but I could do better, I've got money, and I'm getting a car and my license hopefully within the next month, if I pass my road test.

Sooooooooooo good!!!

Epic

2009-05-27T01:03:41Z

Adventure today.

We went to a new section of the creek, which required and hour long bike ride one way to get to, and we rediscovered the magic forest that we found like a forever ago hahaha!

We're climbing this waterfall, and me and Brian look up, grin and each other, and sprint there. It was awesome, we haven't been there in a long time and it's a beautiful forest., hence the "magical" honorific.
The creek is so beautiful, I can scarcely credit my senses sometimes. I love being with my friends. I love nature, the trees, the water, the sky. I can't believe most people are blind to what is right in front of them.

Life is great right now. Nice weather, good friends, good job, good grades. I'm very happy with life right now.

I'm a new man!

Bonfire

2009-05-26T06:01:25Z

At Websters. It was pretty good, as was the entire day. Played some soccer, hung out, and enjoyed the weather.

I saw a couple of shooting stars, which were very pretty. I felt sort of sad. The sky is so beautiful and so vast, it does that to me. So many beautiful stars...how many are there?

It sounds sorta sappy, but each shooting star I saw, I wished for her to be happy.

Oh well. Later today we have an epic adventure planned, and I can work out some more, so it should be pretty good.

Life is good these days.

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xdirkx @ 2009-05-25T14:07:00

2009-05-25T18:07:05Z

The results of my working out are starting to show. My body looks more chiseled, and bigger, and I fucking love it!

Played CTF in the Glenn last night, which was awesome.

Out with TJ today.

This world is so vibrant, and has so many amazing things if you would but look around. I love it.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

2009-05-23T17:03:02Z

Yesterday ended up being pretty good.

We chilled and watched sports until it was time to play Ultimate Frisbee at Big Lots, which was intense.

No one was able to keep up with me, and I was rather pleased with the results of my working out. I was able to run faster, run longer, jump higher, etc. etc. It felt good, and it was a great workout itself.

Afterward, went and watched Bully Beatdown at Dan's, and at 4AM I met up with Kia and the guys at Wegmans. We stayed there and went to Kia's for cards, and I talked to Kadoh's friends, who is a mixed martial arts fighter and an extremely interesting guy.

Alex taylor placed me in a couple of Ju-Jitsu holds, and it was incredibly, albeit extremely painful. He invited us to train with him, and I'm ecstatic about the opportunity. Anything I can use to get stronger, to protect the people I love, I'll do instantly. Also, working out disipline's me, makes me feel relaxed and composed, and has a whole other bunch of benefits I neveer really realized. The yoga especially has been beneficial, I feel more balanced and toned, and when I workout every day, my muscles feel relaxed and ready the next day.

Another series of random realizations hit me, although these ones made me a bit angry.

I've been the architect of my own suffering for years now, and I can't beleieve what a fool I've been. When you were lazy and had nothing to work for, like I did, you have nothing to look forward to. When you have nothing to look forward to in life, you cease trying, and become a miserable wretch. It's quite a logical progression, yet I was too much of an idiot to see it.

No more though. I'm regaining my happiness, and I'm becoming a stronger person. I have so many things to work for now, my life....

I guess you could say it feels more meaningful then it did before, and I look to the future with great anticipation. My parents told me for years, that if you didn't have anything to work for, you'd have low self-esteem and be miserable. At least, that's the way it works for most people. They were right. I really should give them more credit.

I love my little sister, and I've been such a terrible older brother....

Every girl I've ever dated has left me because I was too weak, and miserable, and lazy. Who wants to be with a guy who's going nowhere?

I'm pissed, and I'm not gonna let it happen again. I'm going to have the strength in my heart and mind to protect the people I love from being miserable.

The next girl I end up with, will be the happiest I can make her, and will never have to deal with what Jess did.

SO many stupid decisions, I was so blind. It's making me quite angry, so it's time for a topic change.

Walking home from Kia's at 6:30 was rather enjoyable. I never really stopped to listen to the birds sing, but I got an opportunity today, and it was absolutely stunning. Who the fuck have I been these past few years...

Anywho, carnival today? I don't know where the hell it is but TJ insists it'd be a good place to meet girls. I'm extremely skeptical of the entire idea, but we'll see how it goes.

I wonder why band practice was canceled?

Anyways, end rant/assorted tangents.

I'm out.